31 May 2012

nails of the day: wet 'n' wild megalast "wet cement" + spoiled "jewelry heist"

Okay, fair warning: I have no business doing swatches with the state of my nails, but I'm doing them anyway to give myself a modicum of credibility, which lasts for about as long as it takes for you to look at the state of my nails. I keep them nubby because I do hella typing, and 135 wpm only stays coherent if my nails aren't slipping all over the keys. That doesn't explain the cuticles, though. For that, I offer no explanation--only contemplative silence, punctuated with dramatic sobbing.

Over the course of the last month, due to ridiculous sales--namely Walgreens offering WnW polishes for $1 each, and then CVS turning around and offering the Spoiled line for $1 each--I have accumulated about 40 WnW polishes. You're going to be seeing a metric shitload of these. If you get really stoked about cheap nail polishes, THIS BLOG IS FOR YOU.

Today's "manicure" (I have a physical revulsion that almost functions like a killswitch preventing me from using that word in reference to me playing with paint in the most kindergarten way imaginable) is a nice, subtle taupe creme from Wet 'n' Wild, and because I can't leave well enough alone, I also spat some glitter on top of it.

In the sun:

In the shade (color-accurate):


Used:
- 1 medium coat of WnW Megalast Wet Cement
- 1 medium coat of Spoiled by WnW, Jewelry Heist
- Base Coat: Sally Hansen Double Duty Strengthening Base & Top Coat
- Top Coat: Sally Hansen Insta-Dri Anti-Chip Top Coat

One-coaters! I think that's my favorite part of WnW's reformulated Megalast line: most of them go down smooth in a single coat. (The exception is "I Need a Refresh-mint", but considering that it's the best dupe of China Glaze's "For Audrey" in the entire fucking world for $5 less, exceptions can be made, and gladly.) Wet Cement was a joy to work with--the baby bear porridge of formulae, not too thick, not too thin, not too many bears--and went on with zero streakage. The color is closest to what Wikipedia informs me is old lavender. This is fitting, because even though it looks warm in the sunlight, there is definitely a cooler, more purple undertone to this polish than I'm used to in my taupes.

And considering I'm not one for glitters--which, if you saw my collection, you would say, "Hahaha, Ayla! You are dumb. You have like 50 glitters," and my answer would be, "SHUT UP I JUST LIKE LOOKING AT THE BOTTLES"--I'm really impressed by Jewelry Heist. This wasn't on my "must get" list initially, but it was a last second impulse grab spurred by bitterness that a good number of colors I wanted had already been picked clean and goddamn it I don't let a CVS trip go to waste. I'm glad I did, though, because Jewelry Heist is:

a.) beautiful, with medium-sized pale gold and pink hex glitter in a clear base, shot with small green, blue, silver, and copper glitter, and,
b.) among the better glitter formulae I've worked with, depositing an impressive amount of glitter in one medium--yes, medium, not "giant snot-like amorphous blob"--coat with no need to forage around or meticulously place any pieces.

I'm not big on this whole giant brush trend, but I also didn't have any problems with these. I know a lot of people have had some Issues with the brushes in the whole Spoiled line, but the combination of wide + curved is actually perfect for me because it conforms to my nail shape. I also didn't have any issues with bad cut jobs or awkward bristles. Maybe they got their shit together at the WnW plants?

(The Megalast line retails for $1.99 at drugstores. The Spoiled line is $1.99 and is CVS-exclusive.)

my experience with sally beauty, a one act play

as performed by me and sally beauty (SB)

(Scene 1)

ME: oh but what is this? is this truth or only the sweetest lie i have ever been told?
SB: CLEARANCE IS AN ADDITIONAL
SB: 50%
SB: OFF
SB: MOTHER
SB: FUCKER
ME: this is a glorious day! tell me, my spring blossom: what would you have me buy?
SB: CHINA GLAZE CRACKLES
SB: ONE DOLLAR
SB: CHEAPER THAN YOUR MOM
ME: yes! yes i will buy those! i will buy seven!
ME: i am your servant. where else shall my money flow?
SB: CHINA GLAZE METRO COLLECTION
SB: NOT LIKE YOU'D KNOW METRO LIVING IN POVERTYVILLE BUTTFUCK, BUT WHATEVER
SB: IT WAS $40 ON CLEARANCE BUT I'LL SEND IT YOUR WAY FOR $20 AND NUDES
ME: done! whatever your heart desires. i will send you erotic pictures posthaste.
SB: YEAH I DONT CARE
SB: I'LL CALL YOU LATER I GUESS
ME: i will wait for you.
ME: i will wait forever.

(Scene 2 - five days later)

SB: HEY RETARD
SB: WOW HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU CHECK YOUR EMAIL TODAY?
SB: I THOUGHT YOU HAD FRIENDS
SB: HAHA THAT WAS A JOKE
SB: I KNOW YOU DON'T.
ME: sally beauty! my precious autumn flower!
ME: what is the news?
SB: YEAH SORRY
SB: I GAVE IT SOME THOUGHT AND CAME TO THE CONCLUSION OF FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR METRO COLLECTION
SB: BY THE WAY I STILL HAVEN'T SHIPPED THE REST OF YOUR SHIT YET
SB: LATER
ME: what.
ME: i don't.
ME: what just.
ME: baby come back
ME: baby please

(Scene 3 - one day later)

SB: HEY SO YOU REMEMBER HOW I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY BACK?
SB: I WASN'T LYING
SB: BUT
SB: I'M GOING TO KEEP IT LONG ENOUGH SO THE MONEY YOU SPENT ON GROCERIES LAST NIGHT ISN'T THERE
SB: ENJOY YOUR OVERDRAFT FEE
SB: IDIOT
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU

(i collapse, weeping. ~fin.)

30 May 2012

stuff i can buy instead of expensive cosmetics, part 1

I am mad cheap. And by "cheap", I mean I will literally tackle small children, the infirm, and old people out of my way in the aisles of CVS if it means I can get glorious bulk nail polishes for half off. The side effect of being this cheap is that I have an internal geiger counter tuned specifically to detect high-end walletfuckers instead of radiation, and it also causes me to gracefully vomit fountains of acidic blood. This is normal. I am a normal person.

Being normal, it means there is a lot of stuff I would rather spend my money on than expensive cosmetics. Let me show you some.

Mermaid's Dream by Deborah Lippman - $18
see a swatch at crystaliciousss.blogspot.com











VS.

Metallic Green by LA Colors - $1.50
see a swatch at the edge of sanity











+

My Saturn Broke Down - Spoiled by Wet 'n' Wild - $2.00
see a swatch at windestine.blogspot.com











+

Wham-O Surf Rider Slip n Slide - $5.91


36 Packs of Vanilla Pudding - $4.50


total: $13.91

Would you rather be a person who owns a Deborah Lippmann nail polish, or a person who slips around in 75 pounds of pudding in their front yard?

I know my answer.