my experience with sally beauty, a one act play

as performed by me and sally beauty (SB)

(Scene 1)

ME: oh but what is this? is this truth or only the sweetest lie i have ever been told?
SB: CLEARANCE IS AN ADDITIONAL
SB: 50%
SB: OFF
SB: MOTHER
SB: FUCKER
ME: this is a glorious day! tell me, my spring blossom: what would you have me buy?
SB: CHINA GLAZE CRACKLES
SB: ONE DOLLAR
SB: CHEAPER THAN YOUR MOM
ME: yes! yes i will buy those! i will buy seven!
ME: i am your servant. where else shall my money flow?
SB: CHINA GLAZE METRO COLLECTION
SB: NOT LIKE YOU'D KNOW METRO LIVING IN POVERTYVILLE BUTTFUCK, BUT WHATEVER
SB: IT WAS $40 ON CLEARANCE BUT I'LL SEND IT YOUR WAY FOR $20 AND NUDES
ME: done! whatever your heart desires. i will send you erotic pictures posthaste.
SB: YEAH I DONT CARE
SB: I'LL CALL YOU LATER I GUESS
ME: i will wait for you.
ME: i will wait forever.

(Scene 2 - five days later)

SB: HEY RETARD
SB: WOW HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU CHECK YOUR EMAIL TODAY?
SB: I THOUGHT YOU HAD FRIENDS
SB: HAHA THAT WAS A JOKE
SB: I KNOW YOU DON'T.
ME: sally beauty! my precious autumn flower!
ME: what is the news?
SB: YEAH SORRY
SB: I GAVE IT SOME THOUGHT AND CAME TO THE CONCLUSION OF FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR METRO COLLECTION
SB: BY THE WAY I STILL HAVEN'T SHIPPED THE REST OF YOUR SHIT YET
SB: LATER
ME: what.
ME: i don't.
ME: what just.
ME: baby come back
ME: baby please

(Scene 3 - one day later)

SB: HEY SO YOU REMEMBER HOW I WAS GOING TO GIVE YOU YOUR MONEY BACK?
SB: I WASN'T LYING
SB: BUT
SB: I'M GOING TO KEEP IT LONG ENOUGH SO THE MONEY YOU SPENT ON GROCERIES LAST NIGHT ISN'T THERE
SB: ENJOY YOUR OVERDRAFT FEE
SB: IDIOT
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU
ME: FUCK YOU

(i collapse, weeping. ~fin.)